I’ve got lots of puns about people with crooked teeth.

You’d better brace yourself!

Submitted by: Jokery

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

Submitted by: Jokery

My inflatable house got a puncture today…

Now I live in a flat!

Submitted by: Jokery

I have written a book on how to fall down the stairs…

It’s a step by step guide.

Submitted by: Jokery

He’s making his list and checking it twice…

He left it at home. He’s texting his wife.

Submitted by: Jokery

I got mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not Happy.

Submitted by: Jokery

I used to be a banker

But I lost interest

Submitted by: Jokery

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Submitted by: Jokery

Due to recent freezing weather conditions

The men’s Naturist Society has seen the size of their members shrink dramatically!

Submitted by: Jokery

The most common owl in England is the Teat Owl

There’s one in almost every kitchen!

Submitted by: Jokery

Most bald people still own a comb.

They just can’t part with it.

Submitted by: Jokery

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted!

Submitted by: Jokery

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn for 24 hours.

So they called it a day.

Submitted by: Jokery

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub…

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

Submitted by: Jokery

The inventor of velcro died the other day…

Rip

Submitted by: Jokery

I went to the doctors with hearing problems…

The doctor asked if I could describe the symptoms, so I said “Homer’s a fat dude and Marge has blue hair”.

Submitted by: Jokery

Saw a sign that made me piss myself today…

“Toilets Closed”!

Submitted by: Jokery

I hate stair lifts.

They drive me up the wall!

Submitted by: Jokery

Son: Did you get a haircut?

Dad: No, I got them ALL cut.

Submitted by: Jokery

What’s blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’m reading a horror story in braille.

Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

Submitted by: Jokery

Farting in a lift…

Thats wrong on so many levels!

Submitted by: Jokery

I caught my dog taking pictures of its fur and sending it to the neighbours dog.

I told him she might not like unsolicited tick pics.

Submitted by: Jokery

They held a contest to choose the best neckwear.

It was a tie.

Submitted by: Jokery

My dad raised me single-handedly.

It wasn’t easy being the son of a pirate.

Submitted by: Jokery

Karl Marx had a sister. She was an Olympian

Her name is Onya Marx.

Submitted by: Jokery

My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments…

If only I had known she had a history of violins

Submitted by: Jokery

I can’t believe I got fired from a dairy farm

They said I was a danger to myself and udders

Submitted by: Jokery

I was going to tell you a joke about a girl that only eats plants, but…

you’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’m reading a book called “There’s a hole in my bucket!”

By Lee King

Submitted by: Jokery

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like me critter sizing.

Submitted by: Jokery

Bruce Lee had a brother that was never late.

His name was Earl Lee

Submitted by: Jokery

“I am” is the shortest sentence in the English language.

“I do” is the longest sentence.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why don’t eggs tell jokes?

They’d crack eachother up!

Submitted by: Jokery

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised!

Submitted by: Jokery

I tried to make a belt out of watches.

It was a waist of time.

Submitted by: Jokery

I used to play piano by ear

but now I use my hands.

Submitted by: Jokery

What happens if you fail to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

Submitted by: Jokery

I was dating someone with a lazy eye…

We had to break up as she was seeing someone else

Submitted by: Jokery

I never swim in French pools…

They piscine them and they are full of oui oui

Submitted by: Jokery

Man gets a call from the hospital.

Doctor says, “sir, it’s your wife. Looks like she’s been hit by a bus” Man replies, “Sure. But she has a wonderful personality!”

Submitted by: Jokery

A group of tourists went on safari

The lion’s share of them did not return.

Submitted by: Jokery

All that matters in life is a good set of headphones.

That’s sound advice.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’m naming my child Abcdefghijkmnopqrstuvwxyz

“How do you pronounce that?” “Noelle.”

Submitted by: Jokery

A Roman soldier walked into a bar…

Held up two fingers and said “I’d like to order five beers please.”

Submitted by: Jokery

NASA is launching a new satellite to say sorry to any aliens who may have visited Earth.

It’s to be named Apollo G

Submitted by: Jokery

Dad, when he puts the car in reverse:

“Ah, this takes me back.”

Submitted by: Jokery

Why did the old man fall down the hole?

He couldn’t see that well.

Submitted by: Jokery

A woman passed out on the merry-go-round.

She’s coming around.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

Submitted by: Jokery

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philipe Fallop.

Submitted by: Jokery

I would tell you a construction joke

But I’m still working on it.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’ve had bad experiences with elevators

So it’s time to take steps to avoid them.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why did the bicycle fall over?

It was two-tired.

Submitted by: Jokery

What’s a baker’s favorite thing to wear?

Loafers.

Submitted by: Jokery

I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Submitted by: Jokery

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

Submitted by: Jokery

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

Submitted by: Jokery

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel

But you didn’t like it.

Submitted by: Jokery

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

Submitted by: Jokery

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost

and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Submitted by: Jokery

I lost 25% of my roof last night…

oof.

Submitted by: Jokery

BNAG!

That’s bang out of order…

Submitted by: Jokery

My dream job is to clean mirrors…

Because I can really see myself doing that.

Submitted by: Jokery

I hate my job — all I do is crush cans all day.

It’s soda pressing.

Submitted by: Jokery

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. 

He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

Submitted by: Jokery

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity…

I’m finding it impossible to put down.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why don’t tennis players ever get married?

Because love means nothing to them!

Submitted by: Jokery

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Submitted by: Jokery

I used to hate facial hair…

But then it grew on me.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Because the “P” is silent.

Submitted by: Jokery

I used to play piano by ear

But now I use my hands.

Submitted by: Jokery