The inventor of velcro died the other day...
Rip
Saw a sign that made me piss myself today...
“Toilets Closed”!
Farting in a lift...
Thats wrong on so many levels!
I caught my dog taking pictures of its fur and sending it to the neighbours dog.
I told him she might not like unsolicited tick pics.
They held a contest to choose the best neckwear.
It was a tie.
My dad raised me single-handedly.
It wasn’t easy being the son of a pirate.
Karl Marx had a sister. She was an Olympian
Her name is Onya Marx.
My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments...
If only I had known she had a history of violins
I can't believe I got fired from a dairy farm
They said I was a danger to myself and udders
I was going to tell you a joke about a girl that only eats plants, but...
you’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
I'm reading a book called “There's a hole in my bucket!"
By Lee King
Bubble wrap was originally invented as wallpaper
Imagine decorating your house with poppable walls!
In Samoa, it’s illegal to forget your wife’s birthday.
Technically, it falls under “neglect”—and yes, you can be fined.
In France, it’s illegal to name a pig “Napoleon.”
The law protects the dignity of the former emperor—even from barnyard mockery.
Switzerland has a toilet-flushing curfew.
In some apartments, it’s illegal to flush after 10 PM to avoid disturbing neighbors.
A dog was elected mayor four times in Cormorant, Minnesota.
Duke the Great Pyrenees served from 2014 to 2018!
The world’s oldest wooden wheel is over 5,000 years old
It was found near Ljubljana, Slovenia
Dark humour is like food
not everyone gets it.
Knock Knock. Who's there?
Drama. Drama who? Drama Queen alert – brace yourself!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised!
What's the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
What do you call two spiders who just got married?
Newlywebs
Where do you find a horse with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What did the frog do when he found a magic lamp?
Rub it. Rub it.
Knock Knock. Who's There?
A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!!
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Dad, when he puts the car in reverse:
“Ah, this takes me back.”
Why did the old man fall down the hole?
He couldn’t see that well.
A woman passed out on the merry-go-round.
She’s coming around.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Philipe Fallop.
The average person walks the equivalent of five times around the world in their lifetime. 🌍🚶
That’s over 216 million steps.
Turtles can breathe through their butts. 🐢😮
It’s called cloacal respiration—handy during hibernation.
A shrimp’s heart is in its head. 🦐❤️🧠
Technically, it’s located behind the brain—but still, wild.
Cows have best friends and get stressed when separated. 🐄💔
Bovine bonding is real—and measurable.
The longest hiccup spree lasted 68 years.
Charles Osborne hiccupped from 1922 to 1990.
Sloths can hold their breath longer than dolphins.
Up to 40 minutes, thanks to their slow metabolism.
A day on Venus is longer than its year.
It rotates so slowly that its year (orbit) finishes first.
I've had bad experiences with elevators
So it’s time to take steps to avoid them.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two-tired.
Male bees die after mating.
That’s basically their life. Honey. Nut. Cheerio!
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel
But you didn’t like it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What’s worse than two girls running with scissors?
Two girls scissoring with the runs.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wiped his bum.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
I started crying when Dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost
and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
I lost 25% of my roof last night...
oof.
BNAG!
That’s bang out of order…
My dream job is to clean mirrors...
Because I can really see myself doing that.
I hate my job — all I do is crush cans all day.
It’s soda pressing.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance
So I pushed her over.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity...
I’m finding it impossible to put down.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
