What happens if you fail to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

Submitted by: Jokery

I was dating someone with a lazy eye…

We had to break up as she was seeing someone else

Submitted by: Jokery

I never swim in French pools…

They piscine them and they are full of oui oui

Submitted by: Jokery

Man gets a call from the hospital.

Doctor says, “sir, it’s your wife. Looks like she’s been hit by a bus” Man replies, “Sure. But she has a wonderful personality!”

Submitted by: Jokery

A group of tourists went on safari

The lion’s share of them did not return.

Submitted by: Jokery

All that matters in life is a good set of headphones.

That’s sound advice.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’m naming my child Abcdefghijkmnopqrstuvwxyz

“How do you pronounce that?” “Noelle.”

Submitted by: Jokery

A Roman soldier walked into a bar…

Held up two fingers and said “I’d like to order five beers please.”

Submitted by: Jokery

NASA is launching a new satellite to say sorry to any aliens who may have visited Earth.

It’s to be named Apollo G

Submitted by: Jokery

Dad, when he puts the car in reverse:

“Ah, this takes me back.”

Submitted by: Jokery

Why did the old man fall down the hole?

He couldn’t see that well.

Submitted by: Jokery

A woman passed out on the merry-go-round.

She’s coming around.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

Submitted by: Jokery

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philipe Fallop.

Submitted by: Jokery

I would tell you a construction joke

But I’m still working on it.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’ve had bad experiences with elevators

So it’s time to take steps to avoid them.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why did the bicycle fall over?

It was two-tired.

Submitted by: Jokery

What’s a baker’s favorite thing to wear?

Loafers.

Submitted by: Jokery

I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Submitted by: Jokery

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

Submitted by: Jokery

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

Submitted by: Jokery

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel

But you didn’t like it.

Submitted by: Jokery

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

Submitted by: Jokery

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost

and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Submitted by: Jokery

I lost 25% of my roof last night…

oof.

Submitted by: Jokery

BNAG!

That’s bang out of order…

Submitted by: Jokery

My dream job is to clean mirrors…

Because I can really see myself doing that.

Submitted by: Jokery

I hate my job — all I do is crush cans all day.

It’s soda pressing.

Submitted by: Jokery

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. 

He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

Submitted by: Jokery

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over.

Submitted by: Jokery

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity…

I’m finding it impossible to put down.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why don’t tennis players ever get married?

Because love means nothing to them!

Submitted by: Jokery

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Submitted by: Jokery

I used to hate facial hair…

But then it grew on me.

Submitted by: Jokery

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Because the “P” is silent.

Submitted by: Jokery

I used to play piano by ear

But now I use my hands.

Submitted by: Jokery